I was considering not doing an entry like this, wondering if it was more venting than anything else. But thinking on it, I believe this is one of the most important parts of my spiritual path. In order to reach self-content, we must come to terms with our demons, inner and out. Today I want to tackle the largest turmoil in my life; my mother.
With the last entry concluding to my mother, I fear the assumption I have mommy issues or this blog is about venting on her. Well, the first is true. I have mommy issues. Some acceptance and healing, I hope to not to have to speak of her more often, though. I have a mother that is jealous of me.
Sounds odd, or maybe you're aware. It's a pretty common phenomenon that is not often discussed. I've been told more than once by close family members that my mother is the way she is from jealousy of others' success. But I never put much thought. "You're right," I'd laugh at the thought of her erratic behavior. For some reason, I started thinking on it today.
She called me today, on Christmas. I don't celebrate it and I know she was calling to argue over it and make me feel guilty for not traveling to see her on this day, even though my rabbit just died and I'm still hurt. That's how she is, she never even said sorry I lost my pet, knowing the money, time and heart I spent into healing her. I was enraged she called, that sounds like me being selfish on my end. She has a knack for calling either way too early or too late. (She calls at 2 a.m. on a work day to let me know my step brother's dog died but won't call for a week to say sorry MY pet died.)
Every time she does something wrong like that, I get peeved and sit there thinking about it for awhile. For some reason, I started thinking of how others said she was jealous of me, that's why she acts out the way she does. It's obvious to everyone around me that she is always out to sabotage me. So after I did the dishes I sat down at my laptop and googled "Mother jealous of daughter," to my surprise, it was a common searched thing. I read article after article. From a neutral perspective, from a mother's perspective, from a daughter's perspective, all sides. After the light bulb lit up above my head I googled "daughter dealing with jealous mother," I came across this article and it really hit home. I read through all 100 comments as well, just seeing other women who have gone through this.
I came to this realization early on. Most women have no idea of why their mother acted out this way until they have daughters of their own. So many women said "This all makes so much sense, I'm now 42 and wondered why on earth she was this way with me but I wasn't with my own daughters." Seeing as I came to this conclusion early on, I feel I can save myself a lot of grief of wondering why my mother and I can't be close. But deep down, I've always known we can't be close. And deeper down, I knew it wasn't my fault. I've tried blaming myself, but too many around me have pointed out it's not my fault. I'm not out looking for fault, but having her own siblings and other children have talks with you about her, because they too know.
So here is to me accepting this. You're out to sabotage me, encourage me to do the wrong things, play down my success, go out of your way to distract me, all because of your own mental illness. You had a horrible life with a mother the same way, I know. But I can't give you a pass any longer. I feel terrible at how unhapy you are with your life, but it's not my fault. I can't let you drag down my life and just blame you. You can't fix me, you can only fix yourself.
I now can let go of the pain. I now see why all those times you looked at me and said "You're not psychic, I am!" You were looking for one thing to have that I didn't. You wanted it so much. And you can have it. You're not going to be a part of my spiritual journey or my life in general. I don't want you to have part in this. You only cloud it.
I can finally feel free.
With the last entry concluding to my mother, I fear the assumption I have mommy issues or this blog is about venting on her. Well, the first is true. I have mommy issues. Some acceptance and healing, I hope to not to have to speak of her more often, though. I have a mother that is jealous of me.
Sounds odd, or maybe you're aware. It's a pretty common phenomenon that is not often discussed. I've been told more than once by close family members that my mother is the way she is from jealousy of others' success. But I never put much thought. "You're right," I'd laugh at the thought of her erratic behavior. For some reason, I started thinking on it today.
She called me today, on Christmas. I don't celebrate it and I know she was calling to argue over it and make me feel guilty for not traveling to see her on this day, even though my rabbit just died and I'm still hurt. That's how she is, she never even said sorry I lost my pet, knowing the money, time and heart I spent into healing her. I was enraged she called, that sounds like me being selfish on my end. She has a knack for calling either way too early or too late. (She calls at 2 a.m. on a work day to let me know my step brother's dog died but won't call for a week to say sorry MY pet died.)
Every time she does something wrong like that, I get peeved and sit there thinking about it for awhile. For some reason, I started thinking of how others said she was jealous of me, that's why she acts out the way she does. It's obvious to everyone around me that she is always out to sabotage me. So after I did the dishes I sat down at my laptop and googled "Mother jealous of daughter," to my surprise, it was a common searched thing. I read article after article. From a neutral perspective, from a mother's perspective, from a daughter's perspective, all sides. After the light bulb lit up above my head I googled "daughter dealing with jealous mother," I came across this article and it really hit home. I read through all 100 comments as well, just seeing other women who have gone through this.
I came to this realization early on. Most women have no idea of why their mother acted out this way until they have daughters of their own. So many women said "This all makes so much sense, I'm now 42 and wondered why on earth she was this way with me but I wasn't with my own daughters." Seeing as I came to this conclusion early on, I feel I can save myself a lot of grief of wondering why my mother and I can't be close. But deep down, I've always known we can't be close. And deeper down, I knew it wasn't my fault. I've tried blaming myself, but too many around me have pointed out it's not my fault. I'm not out looking for fault, but having her own siblings and other children have talks with you about her, because they too know.
So here is to me accepting this. You're out to sabotage me, encourage me to do the wrong things, play down my success, go out of your way to distract me, all because of your own mental illness. You had a horrible life with a mother the same way, I know. But I can't give you a pass any longer. I feel terrible at how unhapy you are with your life, but it's not my fault. I can't let you drag down my life and just blame you. You can't fix me, you can only fix yourself.
I now can let go of the pain. I now see why all those times you looked at me and said "You're not psychic, I am!" You were looking for one thing to have that I didn't. You wanted it so much. And you can have it. You're not going to be a part of my spiritual journey or my life in general. I don't want you to have part in this. You only cloud it.
I can finally feel free.
No comments:
Post a Comment