Body image + spirituality?

I was catching up on some blog reading. I only do so once every few weeks, I'm a binge-blogger like that. I came across an interesting blog post on Paganism and body image. Now, I'm not a Pagan, I'd call myself New Age Pantheist, but I think there is a huge connection with all us brothers and sisters driven by spirituality rather than a secular religion. So what this woman had to say about Paganism and body image is a very popular opinion amongst women, pagans and just anybody. When reading posts like these, it makes me look at myself and acknowledge how much I differ from other spiritual siblings.

We all suffer from the same thing; body image. Rather you've always had a great body or always struggled with weight or somewhere in between. We are constantly thinking about our body and how others perceive it. I'm gonna be sexist and say this is much more so for women. Men are visual creatures, therefore us women have developed the mindset to always be visually pleasing. Whether your culture finds long necks, big butts, no boobs beautiful. That's your culture and we as women pursue it.

So that's where I start to differ from this new norm. People say being thin and beautiful is the norm, but everywhere I look, I see only protests against it. There's a new mentality that it's some sort of sin to want to be and actual achieve their culture's idea of beauty. It's not. To me, it comes down to taking care of yourself and what you prioritize in life. Being happy does not always mean being out of shape. It's so common for girls to say "Look at that beautiful girl, I bet she's so miserable." It's quite the opposite. I think those who say it are the miserable ones. Those who look great will feel great- if that's their priority in life. It it wasn't, then they wouldn't be looking so good. Nothing blossoms unless you put effort into it.

So to me, whether you're skinny or not, it's just about doing what you want. If you're not interested in looking like the girls on TV, that's 100% okay. But don't expect a medal or insult the women who do. They're doing their thing and you're doing yours. It's all about making your soul happy, not others. So while I agree with the blog posts that tells overweight women to be happy, I also say that for any other type of woman. It's no sin to blend in or stand out. If you're happy and harming no one, go for it!

The issue with society these days isn't about people telling us one thing is beautiful and the other is not- Oh no, society these days tells us if we don't like something, we have a right to make others feel guilty or ignorant for delving in it.

Forget astrology, look to your spirit animal.

• The owl is the symbol of the feminine, the moon and the night. 
• The owl is the bird of magic and darkness, of prophecy and wisdom. 
• Owl people work best during the night hours. 
• An owl totem gives you the power to extract secrets. 
• Meditate on the owl and things will be revealed. 
• Listen to its voice inside of you. You will hear not what others are saying, but what is hidden. 
• You can detect subtleties of voice that others cannot. 
• People cannot deceive a person who has an owl totem. 
• Owl people can see into the darkness of others souls. 
• Most owl people are clairvoyant because of this ability. It can be very scary at times.
•  Learn to trust your instincts about people. Let your owl totem guide you.

New Year Resolutions

Cliche? Yeah. Every year we make a resolution and never follow them. Well at least until recently. Slowly over these years I have been following mine more and more. I think the goal is to keep it attainable. Or at least if it's big, don't expect to do it all perfectly in a year. And that's me.



Quit Facebook.
This is a big one. I really gotta stop Facebooking so much.


Sew.
I have a sewing machine and the materials, I just have to get started!

Dedicate more time to my business.
My online store really needs TLC. I've only been doing the bare minimum until now. It's gotta change!

Write more.
I spend so much time thinking of stories and not writing them. Write, write, write!

Exercise.
My husband bitches I need to make him exercise. I need to find a way to do it. Hopefully when I quit Facebook.

Learn to drive.
First step is get my permit, then my license. By the end of 2013 I will have my license!

Become craftier.
I really want to get into more DIY crafts.

Be cleaner.
This may sound nasty, but it's not as bad as it sounds. I really want to keep my house clean, but in order to do that, I need to prevent messes. Not just let it get dirty THEN clean.

Coming to terms.

I was considering not doing an entry like this, wondering if it was more venting than anything else. But thinking on it, I believe this is one of the most important parts of my spiritual path. In order to reach self-content, we must come to terms with our demons, inner and out. Today I want to tackle the largest turmoil in my life; my mother.

With the last entry concluding to my mother, I fear the assumption I have mommy issues or this blog is about venting on her. Well, the first is true. I have mommy issues. Some acceptance and healing, I hope to not to have to speak of her more often, though. I have a mother that is jealous of me.

Sounds odd, or maybe you're aware. It's a pretty common phenomenon that is not often discussed. I've been told more than once by close family members that my mother is the way she is from jealousy of others' success. But I never put much thought. "You're right," I'd laugh at the thought of her erratic behavior. For some reason, I started thinking on it today.

She called me today, on Christmas. I don't celebrate it and I know she was calling to argue over it and make me feel guilty for not traveling to see her on this day, even though my rabbit just died and I'm still hurt. That's how she is, she never even said sorry I lost my pet, knowing the money, time and heart I spent into healing her. I was enraged she called, that sounds like me being selfish on my end. She has a knack for calling either way too early or too late. (She calls at 2 a.m. on a work day to let me know my step brother's dog died but won't call for a week to say sorry MY pet died.)

Every time she does something wrong like that, I get peeved and sit there thinking about it for awhile. For some reason, I started thinking of how others said she was jealous of me, that's why she acts out the way she does. It's obvious to everyone around me that she is always out to sabotage me. So after I did the dishes I sat down at my laptop and googled "Mother jealous of daughter," to my surprise, it was a common searched thing. I read article after article. From a neutral perspective, from a mother's perspective, from a daughter's perspective, all sides. After the light bulb lit up above my head I googled "daughter dealing with jealous mother," I came across this article and it really hit home. I read through all 100 comments as well, just seeing other women who have gone through this.

I came to this realization early on. Most women have no idea of why their mother acted out this way until they have daughters of their own. So many women said "This all makes so much sense, I'm now 42 and wondered why on earth she was this way with me but I wasn't with my own daughters." Seeing as I came to this conclusion early on, I feel I can save myself a lot of grief of wondering why my mother and I can't be close. But deep down, I've always known we can't be close. And deeper down, I knew it wasn't my fault. I've tried blaming myself, but too many around me have pointed out it's not my fault. I'm not out looking for fault, but having her own siblings and other children have talks with you about her, because they too know.

So here is to me accepting this. You're out to sabotage me, encourage me to do the wrong things, play down my success, go out of your way to distract me, all because of your own mental illness. You had a horrible life with a mother the same way, I know. But I can't give you a pass any longer. I feel terrible at how unhapy you are with your life, but it's not my fault. I can't let you drag down  my life and just blame you. You can't fix me, you can only fix yourself.

I now can let go of the pain. I now see why all those times you looked at me and said "You're not psychic, I am!" You were looking for one thing to have that I didn't. You wanted it so much. And you can have it. You're not going to be a part of my spiritual journey or my life in general. I don't want you to have part in this. You only cloud it.

I can finally feel free.

Spirits giving warnings?

I've never been one to see spirits on my own. My mother and other family members attract them but I had never had any solitary encounters. Until my rabbit got sick. She had been sick a few weeks and we had no idea. That's common with rabbits, they try their best to hide illnesses. Before I knew she was sick, I started seeing spirits. I'm trying to recall all the ones I saw.

I don't write things down I can rationalize somewhat.

Lady in white.
This was the first spirit I saw, I recall. I was walking from my room and passing my home office. I looked over at the open door and saw her. I'm thinking of drawing her. She was so tall and seemed slender. Too tall for a human. She was all white. White cloak, white skin. I felt no threat. It was like looking at a Lord of The Rings character coming to life or something. She didn't look at me. I didn't see her eyes. She was at a third degree angle and I saw her lower face. It was just a flash. Despite the flash for some reason the image was engraved into my brain. I find that odd since I can look at a phone number and can't even remember the first three digits.

This looks pretty similar to what I saw, actually. Dark Beira, The Queen of Winter. Very interesting, I wonder if it was her???

I ignored it though, thinking I was a little crazy, had been watching too much TV.

Bright flashes.
In between things I saw many bright flashes. Not a car's lights passing by or the sun going out from a cloud. Just random bright flashes. Could be my vision is messing up, could be my imagination...

Burning candle.
I've been lighting candles to make my house smell good. My rabbit started getting sick and was peeing everywhere. One time the candle flame shot a few feet in the air. Definitely not normal for a tiny candle.

Low black blob.
I was walking from my room to my living room. On the way is the guest bathroom. I saw a black thing that was slow and black. Because of the shadows I thought it was my dog since he's dark brown. But then he was behind me, not there. It was low to the ground and slow (for a spirit.)

Animal spirit?
The day of my bunny's surgery, I was prepping to set her off to the vet. I was leaned down, petting her and soothing her. My dog was also in front of her. I was crouched down and my shirt was lifted from the position and I had exposed skin on my lower back. As I was petting her I felt something furry rub against me. Like when a cat rubs against you, wanting attention. My only two pets were in front of me and I don't have a cat. I quickly reached behind me to grab it, just t see what it was. My hands were greeted with nothing but air. This one had to be one of the more freaky ones, it just felt 100% real.

Contacting my pets:

The day of the surgery I was relaxing on my table, on the laptop. My dog was by my side asleep. He's the type that always likes to be in the same room as me. Suddenly, his ears perked up and he ran in the other room. I found it odd, maybe the post man was at the door and I didn't hear it. I walked into the living room where he was. He was standing there wagging his tail looking at nothing. I thought endearingly "Stupid dog, staring at nothing. he's so silly." But then he turned and looked at me. he seemed confused. He turned back to where he was looking and back at me again. Like "How did you do that?" Was a ghost tricking him into thinking it was me or something....?

Contacting my husband:

Last night my husband and I were hugging, doing our usual lovey dovey routine. Then he looked beside us and asked "What was that?" I asked what was it. He said "I thought I saw something walk past us. But it was just my imagination." It definitely could have been. He's very anti-ghost. He doesn't believe in it one bit. he's 100% science and nothing else. When he heard me discuss the spirits on the phone, he made fun of me. I believe in science but I also believe that science doesn't explain everything out there.

How did they get here?

That's the million dollar question. As I said, I've never had independent ghost encounters before that I'm aware of. I think it was my mother.

For background, my mother is very into the spiritual world; psychic, spirits, all that. But she's not a stable person. She has mental diseases and I'm pretty sure she doesn't practice anything correctly. She and I have always had a horrible relationship. To be honest, I'd prefer her not to be a part of my life, but she's very pushy, so I just cave in.

She came in to visit me since I'm in Ny and much closer to my home state now. She brought a friend that is also into the spiritual world. Now, I don't think it was her friend, she was so sweet and kind. But my mother... I don't even want to say she did it, but more so the tension our relationship has. When I think of her  I get a headache and have nothing but negative emotions. Her existence is a ball of negative energy to me. Perhaps the sickening tension between us opened up too much negativity and welcomed all these mishaps.

Right when she left my rabbit became violent on my dog. They had been together years and never once bothered each other. Then all of a sudden she waltz into town and all these bad things started happening to her. She attacked and got injured, then caught her infection and slowly died. It's something I didn't think about until recently. 

It's so frustrating. Even though my husband doesn't believe in this stuff, when I brought up that maybe her negative energy caused the illness on our family, he actually agreed. I do believe that a massive amount of negative energy can welcome bad things to happen. It makes you and your family vulnerable.

So the question is: were these spirits giving me a warning or did the energy just invite them to pass by? I didn't receive any negative energy. I felt no fear...

Passing on ritual

My last post was about doing all I could to cure my rabbit. She lived through the surgery and lived a few more days, but passed on this morning. I really don't want to pour my heart out on here over it. I've already done that. I loved her with all my heart and soul. I did that ritual for her. My wish was that she do exactly what she wanted. if she wants to live, I will do everything for her. If she wanted to move on, let her do so peacefully and pain free. And that's exactly what happened. she seems to have went without pain. I'm so glad.

I confined in some Wiccan/Pagan Facebook pages of what to do for one that has passed. Before I asked I lit a white candle for my little bun in the exact spot she passed. The night before she passed something told me to buy a white candle, despite the fact I'm opposed to buying things that aren't in bulk and over priced.

When hearing the opinions of others, they said light a white candle and leave out her favorite food. Let her know she's still welcome and feed her.

I've been burning the candle throughout the days and waiting until it fully burns out. I could have sworn I saw her hopping around the boxes she loved the other day. I relayed the message that I loved her and I think she got it.

First time meditating.

It's funny how life pushes you towards the spiritual path. Had my beloved pet rabbit never gotten sick, I don't think I would have been guided to this path so soon. The spirits have always flirted with me and caught my eye, but I had never caved into what they wanted out of me. I was stubborn, told myself it was unscientific and said if this is something my mother does, then it can't be worth while.

But here I am, meditating and attempting to take my rabbit's pain away. She was dropped off at the vet today for surgery. The chance of her dying during it is there, so I did everything I could in this physical world to give her strength. Just now, I gave her spiritual.

This was not an easy task, meditating. I have a very hard time concentrating. Not just on the spirit world, but on simple tasks as well. I have been suggested to take up meditating from those around me who see my disability with focusing.

I have this wonderful post on Facebook over the weekend, just after the vet scheduled my rabbit's surgery for Monday:

Pain Freedom Spell- 

Think intensely about the person you want to free from pain.Visualize them in pain and agony, then visualize the pain fleeing from them as you chant the following, nine times (three sets of three). 

"Wrap thee in cotton,
Bind thee with love,
Protection from pain,
Surrounds like a glove,
Brightest of blessings,
Surround thee this day (night),
For thou art cared for,
Healing thoughts sent in flight. "

It was like fate. My rabbit was and is in so much pain. This could be the first meditation practice I attempt. If I can take away one drop of pain, I will be so pleased. To be honest, I have no idea if it worked. But I gave it a try and all I can do for her is try. 

Lit a Yankee vanilla scented candle and I prepared my meditation. I muted the TV that was a distraction, found some meditation music on Youtube and began.

First I trained my brain to focus, not even on my rabbit but just focus. I focused on the darkness of my eyelids, the heat of the candle. Just anything that will break me away from this level of conscience. I can't repeat enough how difficult it is for me. So many thoughts flickered in my head, totally unrelated to focusing. 

I went into this trance. I'm not quite sure how it happened but my body felt light. I felt my head titling back and my weight was slowly shifting backwards. Why this happened I have no idea. It was like someone was gently guiding me that way. It was not forceful at all and I felt no fear. Eventually I was flat on my back in my soft bed, laying there. Going into a trance my arms felt light as feathers. They lifted and moved to my chest in sync. 

Lifting myself back up, I focused. I focused on my rabbit. I had to take it slowly. the concentration was breaking easily and I didn't force anything. If I broke the thoughts I just simply started back to thinking. I felt anxious at times with my lack of center but I kept at it.

I imagined my rabbit's pain. At this time, sitting straight up, I'm not sure even when it happened but my body was rotating. Like a cartoon character that had just been punched and was dazed. I was sitting and my upper body was swirling in circles, guided by my head. It was very faint, nothing dramatic, but I wasn't doing it. I had never done anything like that to my body before. Tears swelled in my eyes. I'm not quite sure if it was me or her.... my nose became runny and my lips extremely dry.

Imagining her pain, I broke in and out. I'm disappointed that I couldn't connect with it fully. But I did somewhat. I felt it. The lack of hunger, my head felt congested and it seemed as though my lungs were only taking in half of the air that it usually would. Those were all things she has been feeling. I highly doubt I felt 1% of what she did. I only wish I could have connected more.

Then to imagine taking away her pain. I tried, I tried my hardest. This was the most difficult part for me. I imagined myself in the operating room where she is, petting her, holding her, caressing her head just like she likes. I knew she doesn't like to be held, but I wanted to cradle her in my arms and assure her everything is okay. I spoke to her. Rabbits recognize your voice and I have been speaking to her like crazy since she's been hurt. She knows I'm the one that cares for her. 

I then sat her back on the table and petted her some more. I started reading the chants. I changed the last line from "healing thoughts sent in flight" to "healing thoughts sent in way," to rhyme with day. I had a hard time remembering the words if I didn't rhyme...

There I imagined a shield over her as they did their work. A little shield to prevent the procedure from putting in too much pain. To keep her alive through all of this. There's a chance she'll die and I wanted to give her any chance I could. If it was just 1% more, then it was worth it.

Looking back on the ordeal it was interesting. It was enlightening. I now have a headache. I've never been one to have one. Rational could tell me that the only time I get a headache is when I cry. It was only a few tears, not usually enough to give me one. Could tapping into my inner psyche give me a headache? Maybe. I'd like to speak to those who know and understand. I'd like a guardian in all of this. To explain the things that are happening. For now I'll depend on myself.